I Don't Think the Sith Thought Out the Whole Sith Thing

Revenge of the Sith, 20 years later

20th Century Fox

Revenge of the Sith recently celebrated its 20th anniversary. I rewatched it thinking I might write about it, but none of my more scholarly thoughts were new even to me.¹

That left me with the internal commentary that’s basically the soundtrack of my life. Like the jelly of the month club, it’s the gift that keeps on giving the whole year.

Here’s what my antenna picked up this time: WTF, Sith.

Originally, the Sith consisted of just Darth Vader and the Emperor. We didn’t even know they were Sith—they were just Team Dark Side. We were also oblivious to their self-imposed ‘Rule of Two,’ which basically states that Sith travel in packs² ; where one is found, you can be certain another lingers nearby in a suitably darkened alcove, from which they make vague but clearly malevolent plans.

Example: In The Phantom Menace, Darths Maul and Sidious stand on a shadowy Coruscant balcony, discussing how they’ll soon reveal themselves to the galaxy—picture a debutante ball but with less finger food and more flowing fabric—and in the process, settle their longtime beef with the Jedi. Maul specifically says, “At last we will have revenge.”

If you’ve ever seen a Jedi in action, you might be wondering, as I do, what exactly, the Jedi did to motivate such a plot. After all, Jedi largely adopt the demeanor and attire of the Dude. They are placidly inoffensive. Why is Maul so anxious to give the Jedi both ends of his dual-sided lightsaber?

There’s the obvious answer, which I think is the right one: The light cannot tolerate the dark. (The philosophical or scientific-minded might question if light can exist without the dark, or point out that it is light that casts shadows. Such distinctions are not welcome in this saga, which seizes the moral high ground while still leaving room for brother/sister snogging, drug lord harems, slavery, and aliens with genital faces.³)

Jedi have a zeal for stamping out darkness, which could be read as bigotry from a certain point of view.⁴ The Jedi are not a live-and-let-live organization. It could be that their facility for the Force allows them to discern the destruction an unchecked Sith will visit upon the galaxy, but even Yoda admits the future is hard to peg down. And, anyway, the Jedi failed to realize the guy steadily amassing power who clearly has ulterior motives was in fact the guy they’d been looking for the whole time. Even with the aid of premonitions, these guys are not Sherlock Holmes or, even, Frank Drebin. They're not so much blinded by their hatred of hatred as they are just blind.

I’m not going to call the Jedi bigots.⁵ But I think we can all agree there was some level of Dark Side persecution going on. And in that light, maybe the Sith were right to seek recompense via stabby-stabbing some Jedi.

Which leads us to the Rule of Two.

Btw, this is all covered in books I read long ago and have forgotten. I don’t care. We’re examining the films for clues and subtext and drawing our own conclusions.

We can assume Sith membership is kept super exclusive because their very existence is anathema to the Jedi. Sith are much harder to find when they are but two needles in an entire galaxy. Even when both are hanging out down the street from the Jedi Temple! (Are we sure the Jedi were actually good at their jobs?)

Survivability is the obvious reason, but only part of it. And probably the lesser part, if I'm reading this right. The real reason there's only two Sith at any one time is because these mofos are always trying to kill each other. Maul talks about getting revenge against the Jedi, but the hidden subtext is that he’d also very much like to cut Sidious into several smaller pieces.

It’s a weird dynamic. A Sith Master needs an apprentice to pass on the lineage and keep that dark fire burning. And for reasons that probably have everything to do with ego⁶, the Master is always on the hunt for a younger and stronger apprentice.⁷ As though it lifts the Master’s stock if the apprentice is a blue chip prospect. But if they’re doing this right, nobody will know about any of it but the two of them. So, again—it doesn’t make a ton of sense.

Especially since the Apprentice is only one power move from becoming the Master. And because the Master is strangely motivated to attract the strongest apprentice possible, it’s guaranteed to happen at some point. If not immediately! Anakin Skywalker is Darth Vader for all of 5 minutes before he starts plotting about overthrowing Palpatine and ruling the galaxy. When you see how internally competitive and mistrustful the Sith are, you really have to wonder how the Jedi could possibly lose.

The underlying rule of the Rule of Two is that the Sith Master sets the stage for their own eventual usurpation at their own hands. It’s like when a bully makes you punch yourself, only there’s no bully in this case. Just a cult-like adherence to the Rule of Two. The Master finds someone bursting with the Force and teaches them everything they know about Dark Siding, with the understanding that the Apprentice is definitely going to try to seize the belt. It’s all kinda crazy when you think about it.

In a way, it’s actually similar to how parents willingly create and nourish the seeds of their own demise. Our children become the thing that surpasses us and, eventually, hopefully, are the ones to bury us. It just won’t (probably) be after they cut us down in their anger with a lasersword.⁸

The Rule of Two is a loose guideline the Sith are almost mysteriously compelled to comply with. But viewed through the eyes of a parent, I actually get it. It’s less about an individual Sith and more about legacy. Passing on what you’ve learned. Which is also a Jedi mandate, come to think of it. The difference is a big one—Sith are not team players. Palpatine was all about unlimited power for himself. Maul, Dooku, Vader—they were just accessories to his glory.

I’ve talked in circles a bit and ended up where I started: the Rule of Two doesn’t make any sense.

1. I have laid down my Revenge of the Sith thoughts for future generations in a 50-minute podcast episode.

2. We don’t get into it because “PG kid’s movies” but given Sith travel in packs, I wonder if, as Snoop Dogg once advised, they do it from the back. It’s probably necessary given their many layers of Dark Side attire. Also, doggystyle feels like a Sith go-to move.

Jedi would obviously be strictly missionary—if they have sex at all, a topic for another time.

3. Since you’re probably curious: Watto has a humungous bulbous penis nose and Nien Nunb’s face is a series of moist lip folds. Imagine if those two hooked up.

4. Imagining Obi-Wan’s outrage at having his clever bit of truth-dodging turned around on the Jedi to paint them as bigots.

5. Even though 99% of Jedi are humans, and the only real aliens are the truly exceptional Jedi; there’s a reason the Jedi council has so many aliens—they’re too good to keep off the council.

6. The footnotes ended up rather saucy today. Obligatory, “sorry Mom.”

Let’s keep it rolling.

There could also be a weird S&M type thing going on, judging from how Palpatine gets orgasmic when he starts stewing in the dark emotions rolling off Anakin.

Btw, I just realized Palpatine was absolutely grooming Anakin. Fighting hard to keep this ship on course and not completely run aground.

7. I can almost picture Palpatine loitering outside the Jedi temple: “That's what I love about these younglings, man. I get older, they stay the same age.”

The Palpatine grooming thing is practically writing itself. Like it’s the will of the Force or something. Doesn’t explain Count Dooku, but their’s was obviously a relationship of convenience. I highly doubt Dooku’s Dark Side aroma ever made Palpatine’s eyes roll back in his head.

When I started out writing 20 years ago, I had no idea where it would take me. Certainly not here.

8. There’s a reason my son hasn’t yet come for me—he knows his daddy ain’t playing when it comes to lightsabers. I may have lost a step but old man strength is a thing. It’s just needs to a be a quick fight, otherwise I’m gonna be wheezing like Darth Vader.