This is the Newsletter Your Friends are Looking For

Help me, loyal reader. You’re my only hope.

Ignore the old wizard using space magic. Lucasfilm

Since my title and subtitle don’t exactly spell it out, I’m gonna skip right to the point. I’m rolling out a referral program to ensnare your friends and loved ones into my nerdy shenanigans. But this is a help me, help you scenario. You see, referrals earn special perks for you, the referrer.¹

What are these fabulous prizes, you ask?

I know what you’re thinking: “A 30 minute chat? I hate talking on the phone!” I get it. I, too, only use my phone for non-phone activities.² But the type of person that captures refers 10 readers is that rare breed of super-fan for whom 30 minutes of me-time might have some appeal.³ We can talk about writing, running a large publication, Star Wars, whatever.

I’m personally most excited about the 5 referrals reward. I generally don’t have trouble coming up with topics to write about. So there’s a really good chance I’ll never write about your favorite film or TV show. Picking my next topic ensures I do. And since 5 referrals feels pretty attainable, this reward has the potential to seriously shake-up my normal nonsense.

As for the 3 referral shout-out—I’ll shower you with thanks in the next Friday post. Not just a pat, ‘thanks, appreciate it.’ More like serenading you with the Golden Girls anthem.⁴ If you have something you’d like plugged, I’ll happily do that, too.

As this all still has that new-car smell, none of this is set in stone. But it gives us a place to start. Drop a comment if you have other ideas! I’m nothing if not flexible.

How it works

1. Share. When you use the referral button (example below), or the “Share” button on any post, you'll get credit for any new subscribers. Send the link in a text or email, post it to your social, hire a skywriter. I do not question your methods.

I’ll do my part by including the appropriate number of buttons in posts to make it as painless as possible. For example:

Don’t be shy! That button is just begging to be pushed. Do it.⁵

Warner Bros.

2. ???? As we learned on MTV Cribs, this is where the magic happens.⁶ Some combination of the post you share and the person you share it with results in a new subscriber.

3. Profit. When someone uses your referral link to subscribe, you’ll receive special benefits as noted above.

That’s it!

There’s even an actual leaderboard that tracks the top referrers. If you don’t think I’m inclined to make a contest out of this somehow, you don’t really know me at all.

Questions? Leave a comment! You can also check out Substack’s FAQ if you question my trustworthiness.

1. Perks have no monetary value but can you really put a price tag on friendship?

2. What a weird timeline.

3. I personally don’t see the appeal of talking to me for 30 minutes. But you might!

4. Not actual singing. Just that general vibe.

5. I keep three ‘do it’ gifs in heavy rotation. There’s an art to deciding which to use.

• “Dew it.” Palpatine telling Anakin to kill Count Dooku. Commanding and menacing.

• Jack Nicholson’s deranged nodding from The Departed. When you want to go off the reservation with your enthusiasm.

• Ben Stiller from Starsky & Hutch, as seen above. The eyebrows take the sting out of the imperative but still gets the point across.

6. Everyone on MTV Cribs was required to say “this is where the magic happens” while showing off their bedroom. “LOL, I have all the sex in this room!” We get it, Xzibit.

Just once I wish someone had said that while showing off their bathroom.