My First Colonoscopy was Easier Than I Expected and a Heck of a Lot Weirder
Peep Show: Issue #4
Peep Show is a semi-regular series where I pull back the curtain and go full Hemingway.
"There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed."My wife and I had the following conversation immediately following my first-ever colonoscopy last Friday.
I have no recollection of any of this.
She finds me giggling in the recovery room.
“Why are you laughing?”
“Cause it's amusing.”
“Your procedure?”
“Yeah. It was amusing.”
30 seconds later: “Hey—when did you get in here?”
“Two minutes ago.”
“Oh. I dreamed about D&D. What did you dream about?”
“What did I dream about? Nothing.”
“I dreamed about D&D.”
“So you said.”
“My stomach hurts. It's really bad. How do you get it out?”
“You need to fart.”
“How do I do that?”
“Seriously? You have no trouble at home.”
“I'm trying but I can't.”
“You need to move around. Try rolling onto your back.”
“I have all this stuff hooked up to me.”
She helps me reposition. “How’s that?”
I smile happily. She thinks I’m about to flirt with her. “I dreamed about D&D.”
“I heard.”
“What time is it?”
“11:23.”
“That took a really long time. When they wheeled me in, the clock said 10:43. So that's a long time.” Thinking hard for several seconds. “That's like 40 minutes.”1
“That's not long.”
“Hey—how'd you get in here?”
“They let me in.”
“Oh. I can't focus my eyes.”
“Do you want your glasses?”
“No.”
Literally 3 seconds later: “Why can't I focus my eyes?”
“Maybe because you don't have your glasses on.”
“You promised me a kiss.” Makes kissy faces. Drifts off.
Nurse enters the room before my wife can rip off my gown in a passionate frenzy.2 “He needs to wake up.” Shakes me. “You need to wake up.”3
Me: “Trying.” Drifts off. Not trying.
“He needs to wake up. The anesthesia can make him nauseous if he doesn’t.” More shaking.
Me: “She's wants me out of here.”
Wife: “She wants you to wake up.”
Me: “That's not it. I work here. I know all about bed flow.”
I stir. Squinting and confused, but a semblance of life.
“Am I still bald?”
30 Hours Earlier…
I took notes as I was going through the entire process, because as a first-timer, this is the kind of stuff I wanted to know. The mechanics, the difficulties, and also the sensations.
I wrote a colonoscopy diary. You’re most welcome.
By the way, there will be a lot of poop talk. It’s sort of unavoidable. It’d be like talking about the MCU without mentioning superheroes. They’re one in the same.
You know how old maps used to have ‘Here be dragons’ on unexplored parts of the world, places that should only be approached with utmost caution and ideally a galleon full of soldiers? Consider this your warning: Here be poop.
Turn back while you can.