It's My Birthday and My Body Has Betrayed Me

Celebrate with an annual subscription for only $12! Expires Feb 9

It is a statement of fact. Image: NBC

TLDR; I’m feeling my mortality and am offering an annual sub for $1 a month. For new or existing subscribers!

Birthdays get weird as you get older.

I haven’t reached the point of dreading them, but they aren’t quite the joyous celebrations of all things me they used to be. Maybe I just need to invite my friends to a birthday party at McDonald’s, as was done in the before times. Not to mix fast food metaphors but it’s been far too long since I’ve worn a Burger King crown. I guess at some point I got so busy with life that I forgot to live.

A month ago I had a routine skin check, because once you get into your 40s your skin just kind of gives up the ghost. I get it.

As the doctor was gently fondling my back, he said, “hmm.”

An innocuous little noise, full of dread portent.

“Did you scratch yourself?”

In my experience, it’s not the best sign when a trained medical professional starts asking you to explain your body.

I hadn’t scratched myself, but I had noticed the weird scab a few months ago.

He shaved part of it off and sent it to a lab. The biopsy came back: We have no idea what that is, bro.

They recommended removing the thing. Root and stem. Solid agree.

I had it cut out last Wednesday. It was a tiny scab, about the size of a pencil eraser. The stitched-up incision is over 2 inches long, which is to say quite a bit bigger than a pencil eraser. I was sore for several days but it was mostly fine.

A couple of days ago, my wife was changing the bandage and said, “hmm.”

Not this again.

Part of the incision was noticeably red. Over the course of the next two days, the redness spread to encompass the entire wound, which was on the helpful list of “things to freak out about” the doctor provided.

Yesterday we went to urgent care. The doctor looked at it and said, “hmm.”

You gotta be kidding me with this.

He thought the wound looked pretty great actually but the redness was a possible problem. So now I’m on a 7-day antibiotic against Just In Case. The only major symptom is some people have an upset stomach.

I am apparently some people.

This may be TMI but the last time I used the bathroom this much was for my colonoscopy (that link is super duper TMI but is shielded from the general public by a paywall).

So this is how I’m spending my birthday: Taking drugs I may not need but would be foolish not to take, which require me to spend an inordinate amount of time with my pants around my ankles—and not in a fun way—because of minor surgery brought on by mysterious circumstances but most likely due to becoming an old.

This, on top of being rear-ended in a car accident last weekend. A topic for another post.

All of this is perhaps unnecessary preamble, or a clumsy play for sympathy, because the real reason I’m writing this is I’ve decided to run a one-day sale in honor of my birthday. You can lock up 12 months for $12.

If you’re already a subscriber and want to extend your membership for $12, email me and we’ll sort it out. I’m serious!

Offer expires tomorrow, February 9th.