This Holiday, Give Them Something They'll Be Obsessed With: The One Ring
Sunday Funnies #5: Your very own precious
Growing up, I was a big fan of the comics section of the Sunday newspaper, which we called ‘the funnies.’ This is an attempt to tap into that energy because sometimes the best way to talk about pop culture is to make fun of it.It began with the forging of the Great Rings.
Three were given to the Elves, cold and aloof.
Seven to the Dwarf-Lords, obsessed with rocks and beards.
Nine rings were gifted to the race of Men, who live short, boring lives.
Deep in the mystical land of Mordor, Sauron Claus forged a master ring, and into it he poured his charity, his benevolence, and his appetite for justice.
One ring to rule them all. Nicely, not naughtily.
Thanks to a special partnership with Sauron Claus himself, the One Ring™ is now available to everyone in your Fellowship.
Each One Ring™ has been forged in the fires of Mount Doom by craftsmen under Sauron’s close supervision. The rings are made of a gold-nickel alloy and numbered to 2000 in the Black Speech, a secret that only fire can tell.
Every One Ring™ will be an heirloom passed down for generations.
But don’t take our word for it—listen to these satisfied customers:
“It is a gift!” ~ Boromir, Captain of Gondor
“It's mine, my own, my precious.” ~ Bilbo Baggins of the Shire
“We swears on the precious.” ~ Gollum, cave urchin
Now you too can possess your very own precious — for only 4 monthly payments of $995. At this price — You. Shall Not. PASS!
But wait, there’s more!
Every order will receive free copies of Sauron Claus’s autobiography How I Made Middle-earth Great Again, and Grima Wormtongue’s How the Westfold Fell, and Other Funny Stories.
But wait—there’s even more!
Order in the next 60 minutes to receive your very own Hobbit, who will forgo second breakfast to serenade you with seasonal classics such as:
Sauron Claus Is Coming To Town
Bing Crossbow and David Bowie: Pieces of Elves/Little Hobbit Boy
Happy Sauronmas (War is Forever)
Have Yourself a Miserable Little Sauronmas
I Saw Mommy Cursing Sauron Claus
Mariah Carey: All I Want For Sauronmas Is You
And many more!
Quantities of the One Ring™ are extremely limited!
Light your beacons today!
The One Ring™ is not for everyone. Common side effects include: preternatural long life, speaking in indecipherable riddles, a feeling of being spread too thin, a gradual all-consuming addiction to the One Ring™, a strict pescatarian diet, split personality syndrome, abandoning reason for madness, strangulations, a violent death, and hair loss. Some owners report sudden but brief transmogrification into inhuman banshees. In rare cases, the One Ring™ may betray its owner to serve its own ends. The One Ring ™ is known to inspire feelings of intense jealousy in others. They will seek to have it as their own. You must not let them! Talk to your regional overlord to find out if The One Ring ™ is right for you.
Previous editions of the funnies.
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Notes, With Additional Commentary
We’ve all been there.
It’s hard to pull off “tired and vaguely dejected” while wearing a full glam rock ensemble, but this guy did it.
I take inspiration wherever I can get it.
This one resonated with a ton of people, which I guess means we’re all dreamers looking for a reason to keep dreaming. And maybe one day we’ll actually do the work.
This is crazy but sorta true.
I worked at a grocery store during the peak Pepsi point years. One of my occasional responsibilities was handling bottle returns. At that time, the job of crushing cans and plastic bottles fell to employees working minimum wage instead of offloading it to customers as is done today. I believe this is what’s called trickle down economics.
The store’s compactors were in the back, between pallets of goods waiting to be stocked. In the course of a shift, you’d process thousands of returns. It was stinky, sticky work, but the upside was all the Pepsi caps. I collected hundreds of caps, which I used to order a denim jacket for my girlfriend, a beach towel and swim shorts for myself, and some other stuff lost to the mists of memory. Never had nearly enough for the Harrier jet.
It’s sorta crazy to think that at one time, loyalty rewards meant mailing hundreds of plastic bottle caps and some months later finally receiving your stuff.
Every large family gathering has a Robert.
There was nobody I was dreading seeing this year, but I actually do have a cousin-in-law I seriously dislike. He thinks very highly of himself and is due for a dropping.
True story.
Full story: My brother just got a PS5 and only has single player games, so it’s not like he was being a jerk. We took turns playing Spider-Man.
I’d just recently rewatched The Two Towers and this bit of dialogue struck me as 1) awesome; and 2) the punchline of a joke. It was literally a punchline is search of a joke, and my brother ended up the victim.
This moment from the Thanksgiving game seemed tailor-made for a meme.
See also: The Bilbo meme above.
Pissing off your customers is a bold strategy, Cotton. Let’s see if it pays off.
My wife asked for stuff at several websites I haven’t shopped at before, all of which offered 10-15% off if I traded them my email address (and in one case, also my phone number). Any port in a present-shaped storm, amirite?
The blatant inbox abuse is staggering. Remember when Clark Griswold’s Christmas lights caused a city-wide brown-out and necessitated the use of a nuclear reactor? That’s what I imagine happens around Black Friday, when these companies start assaulting inboxes multiple times a day.
I’m hesitant to unsubscribe until I receive the order though.
If you can decipher this riddle, you’re my kind of geek.
Whoever said human ingenuity peaked with the moon landing was way wrong.
That’s it for this edition of the Sunday funnies! Have a great week.
Hahahaha this was fantastic! Really enjoyed it. Thank you!
Pure Joy!