Growing up, I was a big fan of the comics section of the Sunday newspaper, which we colloquially called ‘the funnies.’ This is an attempt to tap into some of that energy. Sometimes the best way to talk about pop culture is to make fun of it.
Palpatine’s School for Gifted Youngsters
Interior Mansion—Day. Mahogany for days.
Palpatine, a bundle of emaciated limbs and ghastly flesh, sits in a wheelchair pushed by Darth Vader, an asthmatic in a black leather suit. Logan, a scruffy man of indeterminate age with breathtaking rage issues, walks beside the wheelchair.
PALPATINE: Anonymity is the Sith’s first defense against the galaxy’s hostility. To the public, we're merely a school for gifted youngsters. But the school is only our public face. The lower levels, however, are an entirely different matter. Hehehe.
Interior Elevator. Peter Cetera’s Glory of Love quietly plays over the speakers. Vader taps his foot to the rhythm.
PALPATINE: The Dark Side of the Force is a pathway to many abilities some consider to be… unnatural.
The elevator doors open. Beyond, people crawl around on all fours, yowling and hissing and grooming like cats. Kitty Pryde, a 13-year-old girl with the ability to phase through objects, runs in circles, chasing her long ponytail through the wall.
PALPATINE: My star pupil, Kitty Pryde.
LOGAN, giving Palpatine the side-eye: Kitty? What do they call you? Catnip?
A helpful link in case that reference goes over your head.
Notes, With Additional Commentary
Substack has a social media component called Notes, which I’ve discovered is pretty fun to use.
Here are some bangers I posted this past week. Memes and observations are all mine, for better or worse.
This really did happen:
Who’s the real villain here? The independent businessman (business slug?) or the band of intergalactic terrorists who show up on his doorstep and ruin his life?
Some of my favorite Star Wars things are those that defy explanation, like this lone soldier who takes his job very seriously. Big “crossing guard” energy.
Him again.
I’m now thinking this guy is the Dwight Schrute of Star Wars. As in: He’s not actually part of the Rebel Alliance; he’s a volunteer rebel who shows up on weekends with his own stuff but has no authority or standing. Which is why everyone else has literal starfighters and he’s armed like a 5th century peasant. He definitely drives a Firebird.
Frankly, I think my version is better than the official one, which claims he was a corporal named Osleo Prennert. Notably, they don’t explain what he’s doing with a spear, either.
This ended up very Star Wars centric, which is admittedly part of my whole deal. Next time will probably be about G.I. Joe, which I’ve recently discovered works far better as satire.
If you’d would like to receive such generalized silliness in regular installments, heart this sucker and consider a comment.
I always suspected Palpatine was a cat person 🙄🤣
Hahaha. This is fantastic!