Thank you for writing this. I totally agree with you. When I started to read Ted's article I got anxious, and this is why. I'm a woman, so getting into a definition of manhood isn't a territory I feel comfortable in. There are so many beautiful men I have known and they are all different. I am going to offer some thoughts. I am unusual in the aspect that I am comfortable with people who don't necessarily share my passions. Nerds find each other and form a clique; they can be critical of others who are into other things, like sports. So maybe people feel excluded by you, the nerd? The whole thing is built around acceptance.
Accept me as a woman who is not a nerd or a D&D fan, but likes to play here anyway. Ted needs to hear this and become more aware of how his words affect us. This is a conversation to be had.
Thanks for being ťhe man you are, Eric. Wouldn't have you any other way. 💙
Thank you, Linda! Appreciate the kind words and your thoughtful comment. You are always welcome here. 🤓
I think everyone is nerdy about something and shouldn't feel bad about loving whatever that is, even if other people don't get it. You're absolutely right that we tend to look down on stuff we don't understand or just don't like. Live and let live! 🤘🏻
Love this. Learning to take pride in my more nerdy side was a long journey for me, but one I'm so glad I embarked on. Being passionate about something (or being a nerd) is/should always be cool!
Yeah, this is a good call-out. I can't remember claiming the term "nerd" while I was in school (I probably didn't until college), but people definitely knew, and I didn't do much to hide it. I was a cheerleader in junior high, but I'd walk into practice reading historical fiction & fantasy books and wearing Hot Topic shirts (KEEP STARING. I MIGHT DO A TRICK.). Those years were a weird mix of being bullied, being adjacently popular, and offering people help with homework as a means of social diplomacy. I went to a "magnet arts" high school, where everyone essentially got to pick a major along with regular classes—so it was an entire school full of self-professed nerds.
Interestingly, at my day job, I'm on a team with mostly Gen Z/Zillennial women who were definitely the kind of people who'd never have spoken to me in school. I make no effort to hide what a huge nerd I still am, and even though they openly don't really care about things outside of mainstream culture that require much critical thinking, they ask me all the time about the indie movies I'm seeing, what the internet was like in the 90s, why I bother to dissect whole albums at a time. Not all of it lands with them, but I like the fact that they're asking. I get a chance to teach them something, and they're inadvertently healing my inner child. 😅
Me, too!!! I participated in Odyssey of the Mind in hs and college. No one ever bullied me for it. Some might have even been jealous. Maybe, idk. But those were some of the best memories of hs that I have. Thankful to be a NERD!!
Let me say something about being a nerd, because maybe I am one, maybe not.
I was in prison for a number of years. There was a massive D&D scene (I guess that's the word). I don't mean to use D&D as an example here, I'm just telling you what happened. I myself have never played it, wasn't my thing.
Except pretty much one demographic played it in prison: the sex offenders. I didn't treat anyone as toxic in prison (because everyone is, in some sense, toxic in prison). But I sat down and sampled the game with these guys. A few times. Unsuccessfully every time. As I said, I'm not cut out for it.
Now, I came away with a little respect for the game. I could see how, with a decent DM, you could have a fun time. Someone who knows about storytelling. Pretty much all these men were terrible at being a DM -- they learned storytelling from video games and anime, not from books or even real life. I felt shackled by these games, forced to carry out tasks I didn't want to, that didn't feel relevant to an enjoyable experience. Games would drag on for hours, with little to no progress. Every newbie idea I had for my character was discouraged or ignored.
These men weren't defined by their crimes, but they were defined by being nerds. And like the worst stereotypes of nerds, they were sheltered, they knew nothing beyond their own pet interests, knew nothing of the identities of others and their cultural differences. They couldn't tell a damn story. And they were in a very serious place, prison -- this was their escape. Not an escape from the environment -- an escape for the selves they couldn't properly interrogate, the selves that would force them to accept responsibility for who they were or what they have done with their lives.
Some nerds can just have fun, engage with diversions, use them to help enrich their own lives and the lives of others. And some use them to trap themselves into an ideological cul-de-sac. That's not exclusive to prison. There are a lot of those nerds, in and out of prisons. We gotta reach out to these people, show them a world outside of their own niches. But unfortunately, for some of them, it's just too late.
Thanks for the great comment! I'm off to read your piece (D&D in prison is a fascinating idea). I do think you're right that some people can't (or don't want to) separate fantasy from reality, and get lost in a prison of their own making.
I'm a nerd in a slightly different way, and have always been loud and proud about it. I'm a cinema nerd.
Example: Around the age of eleven or twelve, I stumbled across an Andrei Tarkovsky season on Channel 4 (in the UK). I raved to everyone in my class about his films and their brilliance. Some of my classmates started to watch then proceeded to ridicule me for being interested in "long" and "boring" films. Yes, these days, I accept that bleak existential Russian trudges aren't for everyone, but at the time I told all my classmates they were wrong. I found Tarkovsky's films hypnotic and beautiful, unlike anything I'd ever seen. His films also taught me that all important truth about great cinema: Long and slow doesn't necessarily mean boring, just as short and fast doesn't necessarily mean interesting.
Anyway, that's when I realised I might be a bit "special" but I didn't care. I refused to hide my enthusiasm from anyone and that continues to be the case to this day.
💯 this! Being a nerd or passionate about something is such a gift. Proudly talking about that passion is the ultimate confidence IMO. I'll always be interesting in someone telling me about things they are passionate about.
Heh; I completely agree (and, the title of my substack -- "Earnestness Is Underrated" is an attempt to capture the positives of embracing one's own interests and quirks without either shame or superiority.)
Hi Eric
Thank you for writing this. I totally agree with you. When I started to read Ted's article I got anxious, and this is why. I'm a woman, so getting into a definition of manhood isn't a territory I feel comfortable in. There are so many beautiful men I have known and they are all different. I am going to offer some thoughts. I am unusual in the aspect that I am comfortable with people who don't necessarily share my passions. Nerds find each other and form a clique; they can be critical of others who are into other things, like sports. So maybe people feel excluded by you, the nerd? The whole thing is built around acceptance.
Accept me as a woman who is not a nerd or a D&D fan, but likes to play here anyway. Ted needs to hear this and become more aware of how his words affect us. This is a conversation to be had.
Thanks for being ťhe man you are, Eric. Wouldn't have you any other way. 💙
Thank you, Linda! Appreciate the kind words and your thoughtful comment. You are always welcome here. 🤓
I think everyone is nerdy about something and shouldn't feel bad about loving whatever that is, even if other people don't get it. You're absolutely right that we tend to look down on stuff we don't understand or just don't like. Live and let live! 🤘🏻
Love this. Learning to take pride in my more nerdy side was a long journey for me, but one I'm so glad I embarked on. Being passionate about something (or being a nerd) is/should always be cool!
Yeah, this is a good call-out. I can't remember claiming the term "nerd" while I was in school (I probably didn't until college), but people definitely knew, and I didn't do much to hide it. I was a cheerleader in junior high, but I'd walk into practice reading historical fiction & fantasy books and wearing Hot Topic shirts (KEEP STARING. I MIGHT DO A TRICK.). Those years were a weird mix of being bullied, being adjacently popular, and offering people help with homework as a means of social diplomacy. I went to a "magnet arts" high school, where everyone essentially got to pick a major along with regular classes—so it was an entire school full of self-professed nerds.
Interestingly, at my day job, I'm on a team with mostly Gen Z/Zillennial women who were definitely the kind of people who'd never have spoken to me in school. I make no effort to hide what a huge nerd I still am, and even though they openly don't really care about things outside of mainstream culture that require much critical thinking, they ask me all the time about the indie movies I'm seeing, what the internet was like in the 90s, why I bother to dissect whole albums at a time. Not all of it lands with them, but I like the fact that they're asking. I get a chance to teach them something, and they're inadvertently healing my inner child. 😅
I think the drift back towards meanspirited labels is a symptom of a larger issue. We're not alright.
Me, too!!! I participated in Odyssey of the Mind in hs and college. No one ever bullied me for it. Some might have even been jealous. Maybe, idk. But those were some of the best memories of hs that I have. Thankful to be a NERD!!
Oh wow, I haven’t thought about odyssey of the mind it years. I did it basically from kindergarten up through 12th grade.
Nice!
I proudly wear my nerdiness on my t-shirts and hats. 🧢 but at age 61, I just don’t care anymore what anyone thinks of me. It’s freeing! Nerds 4Eva!
Nerds!! 🤓
Let me say something about being a nerd, because maybe I am one, maybe not.
I was in prison for a number of years. There was a massive D&D scene (I guess that's the word). I don't mean to use D&D as an example here, I'm just telling you what happened. I myself have never played it, wasn't my thing.
Except pretty much one demographic played it in prison: the sex offenders. I didn't treat anyone as toxic in prison (because everyone is, in some sense, toxic in prison). But I sat down and sampled the game with these guys. A few times. Unsuccessfully every time. As I said, I'm not cut out for it.
Now, I came away with a little respect for the game. I could see how, with a decent DM, you could have a fun time. Someone who knows about storytelling. Pretty much all these men were terrible at being a DM -- they learned storytelling from video games and anime, not from books or even real life. I felt shackled by these games, forced to carry out tasks I didn't want to, that didn't feel relevant to an enjoyable experience. Games would drag on for hours, with little to no progress. Every newbie idea I had for my character was discouraged or ignored.
These men weren't defined by their crimes, but they were defined by being nerds. And like the worst stereotypes of nerds, they were sheltered, they knew nothing beyond their own pet interests, knew nothing of the identities of others and their cultural differences. They couldn't tell a damn story. And they were in a very serious place, prison -- this was their escape. Not an escape from the environment -- an escape for the selves they couldn't properly interrogate, the selves that would force them to accept responsibility for who they were or what they have done with their lives.
Some nerds can just have fun, engage with diversions, use them to help enrich their own lives and the lives of others. And some use them to trap themselves into an ideological cul-de-sac. That's not exclusive to prison. There are a lot of those nerds, in and out of prisons. We gotta reach out to these people, show them a world outside of their own niches. But unfortunately, for some of them, it's just too late.
I wrote a little bit about this here, btw https://fromtheyardtothearthouse.substack.com/p/willys-wonderland
Thanks for the great comment! I'm off to read your piece (D&D in prison is a fascinating idea). I do think you're right that some people can't (or don't want to) separate fantasy from reality, and get lost in a prison of their own making.
I'm a nerd in a slightly different way, and have always been loud and proud about it. I'm a cinema nerd.
Example: Around the age of eleven or twelve, I stumbled across an Andrei Tarkovsky season on Channel 4 (in the UK). I raved to everyone in my class about his films and their brilliance. Some of my classmates started to watch then proceeded to ridicule me for being interested in "long" and "boring" films. Yes, these days, I accept that bleak existential Russian trudges aren't for everyone, but at the time I told all my classmates they were wrong. I found Tarkovsky's films hypnotic and beautiful, unlike anything I'd ever seen. His films also taught me that all important truth about great cinema: Long and slow doesn't necessarily mean boring, just as short and fast doesn't necessarily mean interesting.
Anyway, that's when I realised I might be a bit "special" but I didn't care. I refused to hide my enthusiasm from anyone and that continues to be the case to this day.
💯 this! Being a nerd or passionate about something is such a gift. Proudly talking about that passion is the ultimate confidence IMO. I'll always be interesting in someone telling me about things they are passionate about.
Exactly! It's only the best thing. 🤓
Fantastic. Proud nerd here, too.
Thank you! 🤘🏻🤓
‘Hormonal adolescents hopped up on SunnyD and Pop Tarts’ - the 80s encapsulated. Loved this as both a nerd and parent of ‘nerds’!
Heh; I completely agree (and, the title of my substack -- "Earnestness Is Underrated" is an attempt to capture the positives of embracing one's own interests and quirks without either shame or superiority.)
I think society at large does a better job of accepting the fact that women can be whatever type of woman they want to be as compared to men.
I think the unreal expectations are on both sexes.