Every Friday I share 5 things I enjoyed this week. Also, high fives are inherently cool, and I think we can all agree Friday is the bestest day. Hence the Friday High 5. šš»
Today is my daughterās 18th birthday. Lot of feelings.
In a way, itās fitting that her birthday is in October. Just like autumn ushering out the bright days of summer, today marks the end of her childhood. I was tempted to get all poetic and call it āthe end of her innocence,ā but I was 17 going on 18 once, and I was anything but innocent. And, too, sheās grown up in a world much darker than that of my own long-gone childhood, one shadowed by school shootings, climate armageddon, and that harbinger of doom, Kidz Bop.1
As any parent knows, there is no sudden change to coincide with a specific day on the calendar. Kids are growing and changing all the time. Sometimes parents are the last to notice, and then it all comes in a sudden horrible rush: a mix of nostalgia, regret, longing, love, and mortality. Itās more bitter than sweet.
I wonāt come with the cliches because you already know them, but theyāre all true. Iāll just say this: If time travel is ever invented, Iād go back to a random Tuesday when my kids were young and just observe. Itād be like in Scrooged when Bill Murray accompanies the Ghost of Christmas Past and relives moments heād partly forgotten.
I think about that all the time.
Itās weird being the father of 2 adult children. Can I still call them children? I guess thatās right. But they havenāt been children in an awfully long time.
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āSalemās Lot (the novel)
Iām not much of a horror fan. And since Iāve been told Iām much too old for trick-or-treating, Halloween has largely lost its allure. I typically donāt do anything seasonal in October, apart from partaking in apple cider and donuts. And dealing with leaves. Oh, the leaves. The true price of buying a house in a nicely-treed area.
This year I was struck by the desire to revisit one of my favorite Stephen King novels.2 Partly because thereās a new film adaptation (which Iāve heard is super not good but Iāll probably watch anyway) and partly to participate in a writing prompt at Fanfare. But mostly because I wanted to do something fall-ish and the only other option was pumpkin spice lattes.3
One of the scariest parts of reading this book in 2024 is it models how quickly a lethal virus could utterly decimate a small town, which is far more terrifying than vampirism because itās actually real.
Jumanji: Welcome to the Jungle
Iām working on some thoughts related to the Rock, which may end up becoming a piece, one Iām tempted to call āThe Unified Theory of Dwayne āThe Rockā Johnson, Hollywoodās Silliest Actor.ā Iām increasingly of the opinion that Jumanji is the Rockās best movieāby a wide marginābecause it actively makes fun of him.
I think thereās a lot to say about celebrity and brand, and when the lines blur because he keeps hawking sports drinks and tequilas and itty-bitty muscle tank tops. Thereās a human in there, somewhere, I think, but mostly I get Billy Mays vibes. The Rockās life is one big commercial. Heās always closing. Alec Baldwin would be proud.
Thereās just something goofy about his whole deal. Heās famously an enormous man. Thatās what heās most known for. The size of his muscles. And though his acting has come a long way since the days of The Mummy Returns, I just canāt take him seriously.
Heās great in Jumanji though, a movie in which a teenager pilots his body like an avatar. Itās his best performance because it plays into his own fantasy of being the worldās biggest bad ass.
What does it say then that Jack Black completely steals this movie? He plays a teenage girl more convincingly than many actresses. Itās hilarious and also strangely affecting.
Also: I donāt know why avatars would need to pee in a video game, but Iām very glad they did. Funniest scene in any 2017 movie.
Mafia: Definitive Edition
I somehow slept on this game when it originally released over 20 years ago. I have no good reason for this. It was during my game-playing peak. I didnāt even have any kids in 2002. I was a kid in 2002.
Like a lot of guys, probably, Iāve always been fascinated by the mafia. Blame Goodfellas and The Godfather and Weekend at Bernie's.4 Mafia allows you to directly participate in this world of āgentlemanlyā crime during whatās probably its heydayāthe 1930s. Prohibition is in, every girlās a dame, and zoot suits are considered leisure wear. The game does a great job of tapping into the vibe of that era, to the point that I wanted to grab some pomade to slick back the hair I donāt have.
Howās this for immersive: Like Grand Theft Auto, you can drive around in era-appropriate cars, listening to the radio. There are only 2 stations, which alternate between jazz and the news.
The best thing about this game is the story, which unfolds in cinema-worthy cutscenes that setup or payoff the on-screen action. You play the role of Thomas āTommyā Angelo, an Italian-American (of course) taxi driver who gets mixed up with the mob, and gradually pulled in deeper. You go from driving cars for the Don to whacking guys for the Don, and though you know itās bad juju, the game does such a great job of selling it, of getting you on the side of these gangsters, that youāre mostly okay with it.
As Dominic Toretto famously and repeatedly says: Itās all about family.
Gatorade, Ludenās, and a Giant Blanket
I came down with a cold this week. Actually, thatās not true.
Hereās how it was: My wife brought a foul strain into our home sheād picked up while out doing things. After a short but spirited fight worthy of cinematic reprisal, my body succumbed.
It isnāt the worst cold Iāve ever had. It falls in that wide middle ground between being totally healthy and feverishly wondering about your Will. Which meant I felt okay enough to work, but basically too exhausted to do anything after.
Iām on the mend. In the meantime, Iāve taken to carrying a blanket around the house like Linus, only mine is big enough to completely cover my tall frame and leave some extra. Itās like dragging a Queen-sized comforter from room to room. It only feels a little bit ridiculous.
Thatās it for this edition of the High 5. What are you digging at the moment? Drop a comment and let me know!
If you ever want to forever ruin a beloved song, find the Kidz Bop rendition. Your child will play it so much, youāll completely forget how the original song went. If they have music in hell, it will be Kidz Bop.
What are my favorite King novels? So glad you asked. Hereās a quick list off the top of my head: āSalemās Lot, The Shining, The Stand, The Gunslinger, and The Wind Through the Keyhole. I love most of The Dark Tower series, but all the middle books are a bit jumbled in my head so I canāt name specifics; I hated when King inserted himself in the narrative, so whatever book that was has got to go. Iāve yet to read a bad King novel though.
I drove the girls to a Biggby to get coffee a few weeks ago. We went through drive-thru, which meant I had to place the order. This was my penance for seizing the wheel, even though nobody else wanted it.
Being that Iām not a coffee drinker, ordering a speciality coffee is like speaking a vaguely English-adjacent language, especially since both girls modify the drink in numerous ways. Actually, itās more like being a translator, as I have to pause frequently to get the next instruction from the car, because nobody can keep all those words in their head at once.
Since itās October and by law everything must involve pumpkins, my daughter wanted something called a Chumpkin. But apparently when I ordered it, I kept saying Chompkin. āCan I get Chompkin latte, extra Chomp, easy on the kin⦠And sprinkles with only the brown and orange ones⦠And skim milk but extra whip⦠Oh, and letās make that a 24 oz Chompkin ācause daddyās buying, apparently⦠That should be a hot Chompkin btw⦠is the heat free or is it extra? Chomp chomp chomp.ā
I couldnāt understand why the girls were laughing until after the business had been concluded, and the person taking the order was given to know I was an idiot.
Thatās rightāI bet you forgot that Bernie from Weekend at Bernie's was mixed up with the mob. Everyone remembers the corpse antics, few recall how he actually became one.
I could do with less of Dwayne Johnson mocking himself as a Big Man. It feels like he's always an adult's interpretation of what a ten year old would want to see muscles do, as opposed to just what a ten year old would want to see muscles do. I do think he deserves credit for the "Jumanji" sequel, where he spends a long time playing Danny DeVito.
Fromtheyardtothearthouse.substack.com
I wasnāt aware you were allowed to, legally speaking, call yourself a writer if you donāt have a crippling coffee addiction.