Amazing Toys Santa Refused to Bring Despite Numerous Requests
Mount Rushmore: 1980 Plastic Edition
As I eluded to on last week’s High 5, I’ve stumbled into a nostalgia-fueled exploration of toys from the 80s, and now I’m working on a piece about the toys I loved and the dark fate that befell them.
I’m being a bit flippant because that’s my coping mechanism. But it is actually rather tragic. Or at least seems so looking back. So you have that ray of sunshine to look forward to!
This piece is about the holy grail of toys I always wanted but never got, mostly because they were ridiculously expensive.
One thing that’s dawned on me as I’ve fallen into one YouTube rabbit hole after another is just how many dang toys I actually had. There were a bunch I totally forgot about until the memories came flooding back.
I wasn’t suffering by any measure you’d care to use. I had plenty of toys. But there’s still a residue of wish fulfillment that I guess won’t ever totally go away. The thing is, I’m not interested in owning any of these now. But I still want them. Is that weird?
WWF Wrestling Ring
I was a wrestling fan for maybe 4-5 years, walking away once I could no longer deny the truth: Wrestling was super fake.
Puberty giveth and puberty taketh away.
I like to think I knew all along, but I was a stupid kid. Gullible to a fault. I would’ve gotten into a shady van if they were offering Tootsie Pops or compliments.
It’s the height of conceit to claim the years I watched wrestling were the best years of wrestling, but I’m gonna do it anyway. The WWF of the 80s was the best. Hulk Hogan. Andre the Giant. Macho Man Randy Savage. The Iron Sheik. Bret the Hitman Hart. Jimmy “Superfly” Snuka. Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Ted Dibiase. Junkyard Dog. King Kong Bundy.
Those are just the names I remember off the top of my head, 30+ years later.
There was also a freaking wrestling cartoon.
But the best thing to come out of this era were the toys. There was no articulation, just the flexed pose of a man in his underwear. It somehow evoked the thrill of wrestling anyway. Perhaps we subconsciously understood the sport had all the rigor of its rubbery avatars, which aided in our play.
I had a handful of wrestlers, but never a ring in which to stage their matches. Don’t cry for me, Argentina. I’m mostly over it now.
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AT-AT
I feel it’s necessary to clarify: I had plenty of Star Wars toys, including essential vehicles like the Millennium Falcon and the stone throne/altar Jabba lounged on while objectifying females and mocking Jedi mind tricks. Your boy wasn’t hurting for plastic incarnations of the movies he loved.
However, the AT-AT eluded me. Which was a shame, because look at it.
My dreams of curb-stomping feeble rebels remained unfulfilled until I did the stereotypical nerd-dad thing and bought one for my son when he was 8. He didn’t ask for it. He didn’t have to. Santa just knows. That’s the magic of Christmas—buying stuff for your kid that you really want.
I did have an AT-ST, the AT-AT’s two-legged little brother, which was commonly called the Chicken Walker. I guess because of the clumsy way it walked, and not because it laid eggs.
Why did the Chicken Walker cross the road?
To get the rebel scum on the other side.
Castle Grayskull
I had He-Man toys when I was a kid, but wasn’t really a He-Man kid. I was a little too young to take in the full marketing payload when the toys released in 1982. Though half-naked men riding giant cats into battle is sorta self-evident, as concepts go.
One of my neighborhood friends was all about those thicc boys and had the entire toy line, including Fisto—a guy with an enormous metal fist—and Castle Grayskull. And even though I stood on the fringes of the He-Man movement (rave?), Grayskull was the coolest thing I’d ever seen. For one, it was a castle; I challenge you to name a castle that has ever not been cool. The skull motif always felt vaguely bad-ish, if not outright evil, a weird look considering it was the heroes’ digs. But it was memorably awesome, and I wanted the precious.
Grayskull was the boy answer to the Barbie dream house. It stood as the definitive playset of the 80s until G.I. Joe got involved.
I never had a Grayskull to call my own. I got to take my action figures to my friend’s castle though, which was essentially the 80s equivalent of an Airbnb. I never even saw the next playset, outside of commercials and fever dreams.
USS Flagg
There’s an argument to be made that G.I. Joe was the greatest toy line of the 80s. That might seem blasphemous given that was also the decade where Star Wars did all its damage. Star Wars even created the conditions for G.I. Joe’s ascent. But here’s the truth about the Star Wars action figures of the 80s: They kinda sucked. They were stiff toys, with no movement in elbows or knees. Forget about any kind of wrist action. Foot fetishists, look elsewhere.
G.I. Joe action figures were just superior. If not for the Star Wars IP itself, it’d be no contest.
The Joe’s secret sauce was in their vehicles. They acted as both toy and playset. And nowhere is that more true than with the USS Flagg.
This aircraft carrier is 7 and a half feet long. The tallest NBA players ever—Gheorghe Muresan and Manute Bol—were 7 feet 7 inches. This thing was enormous. It remains the largest item ever created for a toy line.
The Flagg was big enough to hold several aircraft and helicopters. It could lay off the coast of a small country today and intimidate the locals.
It retailed for $109 in 1985, which seems super reasonable. Until you check the inflation calculator; in today-dollars, it’d be about $320. Frankly, that seems like a deal! But that’s adult-Eric talking, with adult-Eric income. To a kid in 1985, it might as well have been $100,000.
The secondary market prices the Flagg in the low-to-mid 4 figures. But the cost is only one consideration. The downside to buying a toy only slightly smaller than a ping pong table is housing the darn thing. First world problems.
I never knew anyone that had the USS Flagg, so I can only imagine the kids who did had Richie Rich-style bedrooms, with jacuzzis and rock walls and beds that looked like race cars. Which is to say: They probably didn’t appreciate it.
That’s probably not true. But it helps me sleep at night.
Did you own any of these? Did you ever play with the Flagg? Share your experiences so I can live vicariously through your comments!
What’s on your personal “I always wanted but never got it” list? An Easy-Bake Oven? Skeletor’s BDSM attire? A Teddy Ruxpin who watched you with dead eyes while you slept?
They misspelled "Flag".
I had the wrestling ring! Due to one-too-many jumps from the top rope from my giant plastic wrestlers, the ring cracked in the middle. Eventually, the ropes broke as well, so its shelf life was pretty short.
This is a terrific list, though! Every one of these was a treasure and were rarely seen in the wild.